I love lists…

Writing prompt:

  • Make a list of things that make you happy.
  • Make a list of things you do everyday.
  • Compare the lists.
  • Adjust accordingly.

keep-a-devotional-journal_c76d24e086f719124717dc30cbb5dc49

Curently listening to:

“Bell Bottom Blues” – Derek and the Dominoes...Once I was strong, but I lost the fight.  You won’t find a better loser…

“Mona Lisas and Mad Hatters” – Elton John…I thank the Lord for the people I have found…

“Say You Won’t Let Go”- James Arthur… I met you in the dark, you lit me up.  You made me feel as though I was enough…

Advertisements

Proud to be a Stalker

Come on.  You know you’ve done it.  That moment when you’re battling insomnia, carelessly scrolling through Facebook and something you come across reminds you of a past love?  An ex best friend?  Someone you no longer keep in contact with for a multitude of reasons, most off them unpleasant?  The relationship ended badly and you’ve cut off all connections with this person, or better yet – they’ve cut YOU off?  And before you know it, you’re Googling their name!

Last night I stalked an ex-boyfriend.  I have not spoken to or seen him in over three years.  In this instance, I was the one who ended it.  He decided one girlfriend was not enough and “forgot” to end our relationship before starting a new one, knowing full well if I ever found out, this would be a deal breaker for me.  Plainly put, I don’t share.

stalker-shadow-thumb-610x335-55035-415x260 Anyway, I found out he was cheating on me (via Facebook, ironically), and ended it right then and there.  No explanations necessary.  I did not give him the opportunity to apologize or explain.  There was no need.  I blocked him from all social media.  After that, I blocked his cell.  For quite a while he would borrow friends phones to text me or use those free sites where you can enter a number and text a message.  But eventually all communication from him faded out, thankfully.  I didn’t need to hear the why’s or how’s.  He broke my heart, broke my trust and that was all I needed to no longer want him in my life.

Until last night.

In the last three years, I had heard a few things about him through the “grapevine” (aka mutual friends).  He ended up marrying the woman he was cheating on me with.  I also knew he got a new job.  I hoped he was happy on his new journey. I truly wanted nothing but the best for him.  I was no longer mad.  I just didn’t want anything to do with him.  So what made me log into an old Facebook account that I never use and one in which no one knows is associated to me and head straight for his page?  I have no idea.  I don’t miss him.  Not even a little.  So I wasn’t expecting any pangs of regret when I saw his profile picture.  There were no melancholy moments at all as I scrolled through his page.

What I did find was that his marriage was short lived.  And I truly felt bad for him, although I can’t say I was surprised.  I wholeheartedly subscribe to the theory “Once a cheater, always a cheater”.  I also discovered during my “research” last night that he is finally following his dream and beginning a new career in a field he always loved and wanted to pursue.  I was glad to read about his new adventure and prayed it would bring him happiness.

What I also found out during my stalking session was, the little things about him that I once admired, I no longer find so “adorable”.  When we were together, I loved how secure he was in stating his opinions and sharing his feelings.  He never hesitated to say “I disagree” to someone, or to tell them his opinion on anything – whether it was a movie, world events, or even just the latest fad.  But last night, after I scrolled through post after post of comments like “Our mayor looks like a bum who spends his days getting drunk in the local pub”, and (when responding to someone’s take on a new movie) “Are you on drugs?  This was the worst movie I ever saw in my life!  You need to rethink your definition of the word ‘entertainment'”, I found myself annoyed and a little embarrassed for him.  I used to envy his straightforwardness.  I often admired how he never held back his opinions and never hesitated to speak his mind.  I was once proud to be with a man who was so secure with himself.  But last night, I just thought “How rude”.

So I still don’t know what made me go there and “stalk” his page.  But I am glad I did.  Because it made me realize how much I have grown as a person in the past three years.  Yes, I got my heart trashed at one time.  But I bounced back.  I moved on.  I let it change me in the best possible way.  I am not the same girl I was when I was with him, and that’s a good thing.  We need to change and grow, otherwise we just keep making the same mistakes over and over again.

So maybe it wasn’t stalking at all.  Maybe stalking isn’t the right word for it.  Maybe it’s good to look back at what once was so you can see how far you’ve come.

Enjoy your Saturday!  Peace and love!

Ed Sheeran “Take Me To Church” (Hozier cover)

The One

“You know when you know.”

My mom told me that once when I asked her how you can tell if the guy you are dating is “the one”.  At the time, I was a foolish, lovesick 19-year-old, smitten by just one in what would end up being a very long line of “Mr. Rights” (Mr. Right Now, perhaps?).  Those days I was self-absorbed and clueless, with my head in the clouds, enamored more by the idea of falling in love than in actually loving someone other than myself.  I had no clue what it meant to truly give your heart to someone, nor did I fully grasp my own self-worth and what I deserved in return.4409235798_bca675126c_b

Now here I am, 50-ish, divorced, with a long, rocky road of past relationships behind me.  There is no “special guy” in my sites right now, nor am I looking for one.  Am I giving up on men?  Far from it.  Men intrigue me.  I raised two of my own.  I work with all men.  Some of my best friends are men!  I love everything about them, love spending time with them, love meeting new men and learning what makes them tick.  I just love men!  But I am just not in a spot right now where I feel like I want to actively search for someone just for the sake of entering into a relationship.  Maybe that sounds jaded…I really am trying not to be.  But I have been through the mill, have had my share of heartbreaks.  I’ve been with some amazing guys who I spent years and years with, only to find out they were liars and cheaters after investing all of my time – and my heart.  That kind of investment you don’t get a return on, sadly.  So, needless to say, I am holding on tightly to my “bank account” these days.

My mom still holds out hope that someday I will find “the one”.  Her dream is for me to meet a nice Jewish doctor (we aren’t Jewish, so don’t ask me why she wants this for me, but it’s her dream, so like a good daughter, I don’t question).  I’d be just as content curling up with a good book and a box of Double Stuff Oreos.

You know when you know!

Peace, Love and Oreos!!!! ❤

Currently Listening To:

Rufus & Chaka Khan “Sweet Thing”

Friday…

…my favorite “F” word!

Happy Weekend, everyone.  Hope you all had a great week!

I am relaxing in my favorite chair, listening to some tunes and jotting down some notes for the novel.  Looking forward to being outside this weekend in the fresh air (the weatherman is calling for a lot less humidity for a change!) and getting some much-needed yard work done.

Since I am feeling better, and the weather is going to be nicer, I decided that it was a good time to work out back a bit while I have the energy.  Maybe when I am done I’ll even take the laptop outside and get a few chapters done, who knows!

I hope you all enjoy your weekend.  Do what makes you happy!

Peace and love!

Currently listening to:

Jason Aldean Fly Over States

Tom Petty with Stevie Nicks Insider

The Rolling Stones Happy

A Little Pick Me Up

I’m working on a particularly heart-wrenching scene at the moment.  It’s an argument between two people who are coming to the end of their relationship, and even though neither of them wants to admit out loud it’s the end, they know.  This is a tough one for me to write because this particular moment – and the dialogue – is semi-autobiographical.  The scene is thick with stinging discomfort and deep-rooted memories of a time I’d rather not stir up in my memory banks.  But…I’m a writer!  If I have to dig up some raw emotions in order to communicate my story, so be it.

As always, I’ve got my music blasting in order to keep my sanity in check and my depression at bay.  Nothing like a little Journey to pull you out of a hole.  : )    When all is said and done, if even just one reader says they got something out of it, this will all be worth it.

Hope you are having a peaceful week!  Love!

Currently listening to:

Lucina Williams “Changed the Locks”

My Chemical Romance “I Don’t Love You”

Miley Cyrus “Adore You”

Journey “Send Her My Love”

Velvet Revolver “Fall to Pieces”

 

 

A Little Writing Music…

I am working on the novel today.  So many new ideas!  The creative part of my brain is moving faster than I can type.

In the meantime, these are just a few of the songs on my playlist today as I try to figure this all out.  Enjoy your Saturday!

Currently Listening To:

ZZ Ward “Last Love Song” “All these notes and all these words are all that’s left in me. Bend these pages, count my woes.  One last song to set me free.”

Steve Moakler “Suitcase”  “Everybody wants to chase the rainbow and find a pot of gold, hoping for a suitcase full of money, but all I want is you, honey.”

Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers “Walls”  “Some things are over. Some things go on. Part of me you carry. Part of me is gone.”

Everclear “Learning How To Smile”  “Yes I know there ain’t no finish line. I know this never ends but I’m just learning how to fall and climb back up again.”

Jason Aldean “Night Train”   “Got a moon and a billion stars, sound of steel and old boxcars.  The thought of you is driving me insane…”

 

It’s All A Lot of Oysters, But No Pearls…

“If you think that I could be forgiven, I wish you would…” – Counting Crows

Confessions:  I have only written half of Chapter 25 of Canaan’s Promise.  I am still editing the novel I have been working on for the past three years (which is currently being called “Finally”, but I have a feeling that may change soon).  And…as if I did not have enough on my writing to-do list, I am now playing around with an idea for a new short story, which may or may not be published on Wattpad, depending on how things go.

So I apologize for not blogging more often, and for not updating Canaan’s Promise in a more timely fashion.  The new idea came to me out of the blue, and it’s not like anything I have ever written about in the past, so it has my full attention at the moment.  My new writing endeavor is something akin to that really cute, cool older boy in high school who you think is way out of your league, but then he winks at you in the hallway one day and leaves you thinking, “Well, maybe…”.

I have no business putting my time and energy into any new projects, given my busy work schedule and the two projects I have already committed myself to.  However, the ideas swimming through my brain are too persuasive to ignore.  The only issues I have with the new project (Notice how I am already referring to it as a “project”.) is that a good part of the story is autobiographical, which for me is extremely difficult to write honestly about.  I need to be honest because it’s a  better narrative than anything I can make up in my head.  But parts of it are painful and somewhat embarrassing to revisit – and to see it in print – so I find myself changing small scenes here and there.  Ultimately, though, what I keep coming back to is that the truth is so much more powerful than anything I could create.

I have been keeping up with the recent activity on Canaan’s Promise, though, and I do appreciate your wonderful comments and votes!  For everyone who has been reading and responding, and adding the story to their lists, please know I SO appreciate your time and I will be updating very soon!  You guys are the best!

Currently Listening To:

“A Long December” – Counting Crows