Come on. You know you’ve done it. That moment when you’re battling insomnia, carelessly scrolling through Facebook and something you come across reminds you of a past love? An ex best friend? Someone you no longer keep in contact with for a multitude of reasons, most off them unpleasant? The relationship ended badly and you’ve cut off all connections with this person, or better yet – they’ve cut YOU off? And before you know it, you’re Googling their name!
Last night I stalked an ex-boyfriend. I have not spoken to or seen him in over three years. In this instance, I was the one who ended it. He decided one girlfriend was not enough and “forgot” to end our relationship before starting a new one, knowing full well if I ever found out, this would be a deal breaker for me. Plainly put, I don’t share.
Anyway, I found out he was cheating on me (via Facebook, ironically), and ended it right then and there. No explanations necessary. I did not give him the opportunity to apologize or explain. There was no need. I blocked him from all social media. After that, I blocked his cell. For quite a while he would borrow friends phones to text me or use those free sites where you can enter a number and text a message. But eventually all communication from him faded out, thankfully. I didn’t need to hear the why’s or how’s. He broke my heart, broke my trust and that was all I needed to no longer want him in my life.
Until last night.
In the last three years, I had heard a few things about him through the “grapevine” (aka mutual friends). He ended up marrying the woman he was cheating on me with. I also knew he got a new job. I hoped he was happy on his new journey. I truly wanted nothing but the best for him. I was no longer mad. I just didn’t want anything to do with him. So what made me log into an old Facebook account that I never use and one in which no one knows is associated to me and head straight for his page? I have no idea. I don’t miss him. Not even a little. So I wasn’t expecting any pangs of regret when I saw his profile picture. There were no melancholy moments at all as I scrolled through his page.
What I did find was that his marriage was short lived. And I truly felt bad for him, although I can’t say I was surprised. I wholeheartedly subscribe to the theory “Once a cheater, always a cheater”. I also discovered during my “research” last night that he is finally following his dream and beginning a new career in a field he always loved and wanted to pursue. I was glad to read about his new adventure and prayed it would bring him happiness.
What I also found out during my stalking session was, the little things about him that I once admired, I no longer find so “adorable”. When we were together, I loved how secure he was in stating his opinions and sharing his feelings. He never hesitated to say “I disagree” to someone, or to tell them his opinion on anything – whether it was a movie, world events, or even just the latest fad. But last night, after I scrolled through post after post of comments like “Our mayor looks like a bum who spends his days getting drunk in the local pub”, and (when responding to someone’s take on a new movie) “Are you on drugs? This was the worst movie I ever saw in my life! You need to rethink your definition of the word ‘entertainment'”, I found myself annoyed and a little embarrassed for him. I used to envy his straightforwardness. I often admired how he never held back his opinions and never hesitated to speak his mind. I was once proud to be with a man who was so secure with himself. But last night, I just thought “How rude”.
So I still don’t know what made me go there and “stalk” his page. But I am glad I did. Because it made me realize how much I have grown as a person in the past three years. Yes, I got my heart trashed at one time. But I bounced back. I moved on. I let it change me in the best possible way. I am not the same girl I was when I was with him, and that’s a good thing. We need to change and grow, otherwise we just keep making the same mistakes over and over again.
So maybe it wasn’t stalking at all. Maybe stalking isn’t the right word for it. Maybe it’s good to look back at what once was so you can see how far you’ve come.
Enjoy your Saturday! Peace and love!
Ed Sheeran “Take Me To Church” (Hozier cover)