I love lists…

Writing prompt:

  • Make a list of things that make you happy.
  • Make a list of things you do everyday.
  • Compare the lists.
  • Adjust accordingly.

keep-a-devotional-journal_c76d24e086f719124717dc30cbb5dc49

Curently listening to:

“Bell Bottom Blues” – Derek and the Dominoes...Once I was strong, but I lost the fight.  You won’t find a better loser…

“Mona Lisas and Mad Hatters” – Elton John…I thank the Lord for the people I have found…

“Say You Won’t Let Go”- James Arthur… I met you in the dark, you lit me up.  You made me feel as though I was enough…

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Proud to be a Stalker

Come on.  You know you’ve done it.  That moment when you’re battling insomnia, carelessly scrolling through Facebook and something you come across reminds you of a past love?  An ex best friend?  Someone you no longer keep in contact with for a multitude of reasons, most off them unpleasant?  The relationship ended badly and you’ve cut off all connections with this person, or better yet – they’ve cut YOU off?  And before you know it, you’re Googling their name!

Last night I stalked an ex-boyfriend.  I have not spoken to or seen him in over three years.  In this instance, I was the one who ended it.  He decided one girlfriend was not enough and “forgot” to end our relationship before starting a new one, knowing full well if I ever found out, this would be a deal breaker for me.  Plainly put, I don’t share.

stalker-shadow-thumb-610x335-55035-415x260 Anyway, I found out he was cheating on me (via Facebook, ironically), and ended it right then and there.  No explanations necessary.  I did not give him the opportunity to apologize or explain.  There was no need.  I blocked him from all social media.  After that, I blocked his cell.  For quite a while he would borrow friends phones to text me or use those free sites where you can enter a number and text a message.  But eventually all communication from him faded out, thankfully.  I didn’t need to hear the why’s or how’s.  He broke my heart, broke my trust and that was all I needed to no longer want him in my life.

Until last night.

In the last three years, I had heard a few things about him through the “grapevine” (aka mutual friends).  He ended up marrying the woman he was cheating on me with.  I also knew he got a new job.  I hoped he was happy on his new journey. I truly wanted nothing but the best for him.  I was no longer mad.  I just didn’t want anything to do with him.  So what made me log into an old Facebook account that I never use and one in which no one knows is associated to me and head straight for his page?  I have no idea.  I don’t miss him.  Not even a little.  So I wasn’t expecting any pangs of regret when I saw his profile picture.  There were no melancholy moments at all as I scrolled through his page.

What I did find was that his marriage was short lived.  And I truly felt bad for him, although I can’t say I was surprised.  I wholeheartedly subscribe to the theory “Once a cheater, always a cheater”.  I also discovered during my “research” last night that he is finally following his dream and beginning a new career in a field he always loved and wanted to pursue.  I was glad to read about his new adventure and prayed it would bring him happiness.

What I also found out during my stalking session was, the little things about him that I once admired, I no longer find so “adorable”.  When we were together, I loved how secure he was in stating his opinions and sharing his feelings.  He never hesitated to say “I disagree” to someone, or to tell them his opinion on anything – whether it was a movie, world events, or even just the latest fad.  But last night, after I scrolled through post after post of comments like “Our mayor looks like a bum who spends his days getting drunk in the local pub”, and (when responding to someone’s take on a new movie) “Are you on drugs?  This was the worst movie I ever saw in my life!  You need to rethink your definition of the word ‘entertainment'”, I found myself annoyed and a little embarrassed for him.  I used to envy his straightforwardness.  I often admired how he never held back his opinions and never hesitated to speak his mind.  I was once proud to be with a man who was so secure with himself.  But last night, I just thought “How rude”.

So I still don’t know what made me go there and “stalk” his page.  But I am glad I did.  Because it made me realize how much I have grown as a person in the past three years.  Yes, I got my heart trashed at one time.  But I bounced back.  I moved on.  I let it change me in the best possible way.  I am not the same girl I was when I was with him, and that’s a good thing.  We need to change and grow, otherwise we just keep making the same mistakes over and over again.

So maybe it wasn’t stalking at all.  Maybe stalking isn’t the right word for it.  Maybe it’s good to look back at what once was so you can see how far you’ve come.

Enjoy your Saturday!  Peace and love!

Ed Sheeran “Take Me To Church” (Hozier cover)

I Am A Fraud

Corporate-Cyber-CrimeI haven’t written anything in over a month.  Part of the reason, I believe, was that I was going through a mild depression.  It didn’t last long, thankfully, and I believe the major cause of it (other than just normal work-related stress) was due to the ungodly cold weather we experienced.  Records low temps and major ice and snow storms for weeks on end don’t make for a very happy environment.

But now that is all over with.  I am literally “seeing the light”  once again (I mean, damn – it was 45 degrees here the other day!  A heatwave!).  The grey winter skies and my blues have passed.  But I still cannot bring myself to pick up the pen.  I just sat down a little while ago and went over notes, ideas and various writing prompts I saved on Evernote just for this very reason, but I can’t seem to get those creative juices flowing.

The sad part is, I am beginning now to doubt myself.  Can I really do this?  And more importantly, do I have any business doing this at all?  Am I just pretending to be a writer?  Who says I can write anything anyone would be interested in anyway?

One of my favorite authors once said “Self doubt is a death sentence to creativity”.  So yeah.  There’s that.

Writing a book and having it published has been a lifelong dream of mine.  I have written in one form or another most of my life.  I am beginning to wonder if I was depressed because I wasn’t writing, instead of the other way around.  I’ve always become a little grumpy in the past if I didn’t take time out for some sort of creative outlet.

Do I need to tie myself down to my desk and force myself to write even if I don’t feel like anything good will come of it, or am I just a poser pretending to be a writer?  I wish there was some type of self-help book for this (pun intended)!

Currently Listening To:

Ed Sheeran “Perfect”

 

Friday…

…my favorite “F” word!

Happy Weekend, everyone.  Hope you all had a great week!

I am relaxing in my favorite chair, listening to some tunes and jotting down some notes for the novel.  Looking forward to being outside this weekend in the fresh air (the weatherman is calling for a lot less humidity for a change!) and getting some much-needed yard work done.

Since I am feeling better, and the weather is going to be nicer, I decided that it was a good time to work out back a bit while I have the energy.  Maybe when I am done I’ll even take the laptop outside and get a few chapters done, who knows!

I hope you all enjoy your weekend.  Do what makes you happy!

Peace and love!

Currently listening to:

Jason Aldean Fly Over States

Tom Petty with Stevie Nicks Insider

The Rolling Stones Happy

Balance

So after running myself ragged between work, home life, committing myself to a million different writing projects at once, and everything in between…something gave.  I found myself severely run down and ill.  Again.

I knew I was pushing myself, yet I’d stay up late every night, trying to finisBalanceh a chapter, or furiously jotting down a new idea.  Sometimes I’d start to do research on a locale for a new story idea after dinner, and then next thing I knew it was 1 AM!  Something had to give, and that something, unfortunately, was me.

So I decided to take the summer off from my adding any new chapters of Canaan’s Promise.  I’m not anywhere near finished with Canaan and Riley’s saga.  Far from it.  I have a draft of the next chapter and outlines of a few more that follow.  But I have made the decision to just put that project on the backburner for the summer.  Same go

es with any of the fanfic I was dabbling in, as well as the two other unnamed projects I was writing.

I will devote this summer to my novel, which is in the editing stages (yet again, after a change in the storyline for one of the characters).  Hopefully, if all goes well, I will be done with it and have it up on Amazon September-ish.

 

Summer is my busy season at my job.  When there is overtime being offered, I’d be a fool to turn that down.  Such is the life of a poor, struggling writer!  I could see I would just be spreading myself out too thin if I continued at the pace I was working at.  Someday, hopefully, I can cut back on my real job instead of my writing job when time becomes scarce.

Until then, Canaan’s Promise is on temporary hiatus until the Fall.  I’ll still be blogging here, though, while I work on the novel.

Happy Summer!  Peace and love!