I love lists…

Writing prompt:

  • Make a list of things that make you happy.
  • Make a list of things you do everyday.
  • Compare the lists.
  • Adjust accordingly.

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Curently listening to:

“Bell Bottom Blues” – Derek and the Dominoes...Once I was strong, but I lost the fight.  You won’t find a better loser…

“Mona Lisas and Mad Hatters” – Elton John…I thank the Lord for the people I have found…

“Say You Won’t Let Go”- James Arthur… I met you in the dark, you lit me up.  You made me feel as though I was enough…

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Proud to be a Stalker

Come on.  You know you’ve done it.  That moment when you’re battling insomnia, carelessly scrolling through Facebook and something you come across reminds you of a past love?  An ex best friend?  Someone you no longer keep in contact with for a multitude of reasons, most off them unpleasant?  The relationship ended badly and you’ve cut off all connections with this person, or better yet – they’ve cut YOU off?  And before you know it, you’re Googling their name!

Last night I stalked an ex-boyfriend.  I have not spoken to or seen him in over three years.  In this instance, I was the one who ended it.  He decided one girlfriend was not enough and “forgot” to end our relationship before starting a new one, knowing full well if I ever found out, this would be a deal breaker for me.  Plainly put, I don’t share.

stalker-shadow-thumb-610x335-55035-415x260 Anyway, I found out he was cheating on me (via Facebook, ironically), and ended it right then and there.  No explanations necessary.  I did not give him the opportunity to apologize or explain.  There was no need.  I blocked him from all social media.  After that, I blocked his cell.  For quite a while he would borrow friends phones to text me or use those free sites where you can enter a number and text a message.  But eventually all communication from him faded out, thankfully.  I didn’t need to hear the why’s or how’s.  He broke my heart, broke my trust and that was all I needed to no longer want him in my life.

Until last night.

In the last three years, I had heard a few things about him through the “grapevine” (aka mutual friends).  He ended up marrying the woman he was cheating on me with.  I also knew he got a new job.  I hoped he was happy on his new journey. I truly wanted nothing but the best for him.  I was no longer mad.  I just didn’t want anything to do with him.  So what made me log into an old Facebook account that I never use and one in which no one knows is associated to me and head straight for his page?  I have no idea.  I don’t miss him.  Not even a little.  So I wasn’t expecting any pangs of regret when I saw his profile picture.  There were no melancholy moments at all as I scrolled through his page.

What I did find was that his marriage was short lived.  And I truly felt bad for him, although I can’t say I was surprised.  I wholeheartedly subscribe to the theory “Once a cheater, always a cheater”.  I also discovered during my “research” last night that he is finally following his dream and beginning a new career in a field he always loved and wanted to pursue.  I was glad to read about his new adventure and prayed it would bring him happiness.

What I also found out during my stalking session was, the little things about him that I once admired, I no longer find so “adorable”.  When we were together, I loved how secure he was in stating his opinions and sharing his feelings.  He never hesitated to say “I disagree” to someone, or to tell them his opinion on anything – whether it was a movie, world events, or even just the latest fad.  But last night, after I scrolled through post after post of comments like “Our mayor looks like a bum who spends his days getting drunk in the local pub”, and (when responding to someone’s take on a new movie) “Are you on drugs?  This was the worst movie I ever saw in my life!  You need to rethink your definition of the word ‘entertainment'”, I found myself annoyed and a little embarrassed for him.  I used to envy his straightforwardness.  I often admired how he never held back his opinions and never hesitated to speak his mind.  I was once proud to be with a man who was so secure with himself.  But last night, I just thought “How rude”.

So I still don’t know what made me go there and “stalk” his page.  But I am glad I did.  Because it made me realize how much I have grown as a person in the past three years.  Yes, I got my heart trashed at one time.  But I bounced back.  I moved on.  I let it change me in the best possible way.  I am not the same girl I was when I was with him, and that’s a good thing.  We need to change and grow, otherwise we just keep making the same mistakes over and over again.

So maybe it wasn’t stalking at all.  Maybe stalking isn’t the right word for it.  Maybe it’s good to look back at what once was so you can see how far you’ve come.

Enjoy your Saturday!  Peace and love!

Ed Sheeran “Take Me To Church” (Hozier cover)

I Know I Need to Kill Him, But…

This time last year I was struggling with the idea of killing off one of the main characters in the book I am writing.  Way back in the early planning stages, I knew this character would die.  He had to.  A huge chunk of the storyline could not happen if he didn’t meet his Maker.

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But somewhere between the initial creation of this character and my molding him into a perfectly flawed but still loveable goon, the worst happened.

I fell in love.

Yup.  You read that right.

It happens a lot to me.  One minute I am frantically writing down character traits, giving birth to personalities and creating backstories.  The next minute I am looking at this wondrous human being I have produced out  of thin air and thinking “How you doin’?” (Heavy “Friends” tv show reference, if you don’t get that last line.)

 

I love the underdog, the loser, the bad boy.  I will go to the pound and fall head over heels for the mangiest mutt they have.  I will root for the team that has no chance in hell of ever winning a championship.  Because I know, no matter how bleak it may seem, there’s a story there that will melt your heart and lift your spirits.  A down-on-his-luck rogue who will make you think you’re the most beautiful woman in the world.  A puppy that was abused by its last family but now showers you with unconditional love.  A hockey team full of misfits that have more heart and perseverance than any other team out there.

 

 

These are my people.  These are the characters who speak to me when I sit at my desk with my pen and notebook.  I give them life.  I give them a voice.  They give me hope.  I love these characters the best.  They make me want to share their stories.

So this time last year, I was sick with worry.  I knew I had to kill this amazing man who I felt such a connection to but I  just couldn’t bring myself to do it.  Yes, his life was filled with one bad decision after another.  Morality was not in his vocabulary.  He had seen and done some unspeakable things.  But in his defense, I recognized that all of this could be attributed to a terrible childhood.  And he tried to do the right thing.  Sometimes.  And he loved the heroine of my story.  My God, they were so perfect together and <sigh> those romantic things he said to her when no one was around…and if you only knew how truly sweet and loving this tough guy could be when he wanted to and…

I kept him alive for just a little longer than I initially planned.  But now the time has come.  He has come to the edge of the cliff and I need to shove him off.  There is no turning back.  I tell myself “Just do it fast.  It won’t hurt all that much and you’ll feel relieved once it’s finally over with and you can finally move on.”  Once I kill him off, I can take the story to where I originally intended it to go.  As long as he remains alive, none of what I planned out makes any sense and the entire project is going to take even longer than it already has.  Which, at the moment, feels like forever.

Time to rip off that band-aid.  Wish me luck!

Love and Peace!

Currently Listening To:

Halsey and G Easy – Him and I

Taylor Swift – New Year’s Day

Chris Stapleton – Nothing Compares to You

 

 

The One

“You know when you know.”

My mom told me that once when I asked her how you can tell if the guy you are dating is “the one”.  At the time, I was a foolish, lovesick 19-year-old, smitten by just one in what would end up being a very long line of “Mr. Rights” (Mr. Right Now, perhaps?).  Those days I was self-absorbed and clueless, with my head in the clouds, enamored more by the idea of falling in love than in actually loving someone other than myself.  I had no clue what it meant to truly give your heart to someone, nor did I fully grasp my own self-worth and what I deserved in return.4409235798_bca675126c_b

Now here I am, 50-ish, divorced, with a long, rocky road of past relationships behind me.  There is no “special guy” in my sites right now, nor am I looking for one.  Am I giving up on men?  Far from it.  Men intrigue me.  I raised two of my own.  I work with all men.  Some of my best friends are men!  I love everything about them, love spending time with them, love meeting new men and learning what makes them tick.  I just love men!  But I am just not in a spot right now where I feel like I want to actively search for someone just for the sake of entering into a relationship.  Maybe that sounds jaded…I really am trying not to be.  But I have been through the mill, have had my share of heartbreaks.  I’ve been with some amazing guys who I spent years and years with, only to find out they were liars and cheaters after investing all of my time – and my heart.  That kind of investment you don’t get a return on, sadly.  So, needless to say, I am holding on tightly to my “bank account” these days.

My mom still holds out hope that someday I will find “the one”.  Her dream is for me to meet a nice Jewish doctor (we aren’t Jewish, so don’t ask me why she wants this for me, but it’s her dream, so like a good daughter, I don’t question).  I’d be just as content curling up with a good book and a box of Double Stuff Oreos.

You know when you know!

Peace, Love and Oreos!!!! ❤

Currently Listening To:

Rufus & Chaka Khan “Sweet Thing”

Location, location, location

The more I write, the more I find how important where I do my writing really is.

Normally, I sit down in the comfy recliner in my bedroom.  The chair is placed in

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a well-lit corner of my room, which is in a quiet spot located in the back of my home.  The dog always curls up at my feet when I sit down, and I could go for hours without anyone interrupting me once I begin.  It’s the perfect spot to let my creativity flow.

Sometimes, though, I  need a change of pace.  On occasion, I will take a sand chair and a notebook to the beach (early morning is my favorite time of day there  – no sound except for the roar of the surf).  If I am home alone, I have also gotten a good amount of writing done on the couch in my living room.  It’s a cheery spot with a big bay window to let in a lot of light and fresh air.

Places I do not like to write:  my backyard.  Too many bugs and the next door neighbor is nosey as hell.  I never seem to get much accomplished when I am out back.  I spend more time swatting mosqitoes and running away from bees than I am writing.  And my neighbor almost always peers his head over the fence as soon as my butt hits the chair, greeting me with a “Watcha writing?”.  Ugh.

Where are your favorite spots to write?  What works/does’t work for you?

Currently listening to:

Rise Against “Swing Life Away”

Pearl Jam “Yellow Ledbetter”

Elle King “I Told You I Was Mean”

Friday…

…my favorite “F” word!

Happy Weekend, everyone.  Hope you all had a great week!

I am relaxing in my favorite chair, listening to some tunes and jotting down some notes for the novel.  Looking forward to being outside this weekend in the fresh air (the weatherman is calling for a lot less humidity for a change!) and getting some much-needed yard work done.

Since I am feeling better, and the weather is going to be nicer, I decided that it was a good time to work out back a bit while I have the energy.  Maybe when I am done I’ll even take the laptop outside and get a few chapters done, who knows!

I hope you all enjoy your weekend.  Do what makes you happy!

Peace and love!

Currently listening to:

Jason Aldean Fly Over States

Tom Petty with Stevie Nicks Insider

The Rolling Stones Happy

Balance

So after running myself ragged between work, home life, committing myself to a million different writing projects at once, and everything in between…something gave.  I found myself severely run down and ill.  Again.

I knew I was pushing myself, yet I’d stay up late every night, trying to finisBalanceh a chapter, or furiously jotting down a new idea.  Sometimes I’d start to do research on a locale for a new story idea after dinner, and then next thing I knew it was 1 AM!  Something had to give, and that something, unfortunately, was me.

So I decided to take the summer off from my adding any new chapters of Canaan’s Promise.  I’m not anywhere near finished with Canaan and Riley’s saga.  Far from it.  I have a draft of the next chapter and outlines of a few more that follow.  But I have made the decision to just put that project on the backburner for the summer.  Same go

es with any of the fanfic I was dabbling in, as well as the two other unnamed projects I was writing.

I will devote this summer to my novel, which is in the editing stages (yet again, after a change in the storyline for one of the characters).  Hopefully, if all goes well, I will be done with it and have it up on Amazon September-ish.

 

Summer is my busy season at my job.  When there is overtime being offered, I’d be a fool to turn that down.  Such is the life of a poor, struggling writer!  I could see I would just be spreading myself out too thin if I continued at the pace I was working at.  Someday, hopefully, I can cut back on my real job instead of my writing job when time becomes scarce.

Until then, Canaan’s Promise is on temporary hiatus until the Fall.  I’ll still be blogging here, though, while I work on the novel.

Happy Summer!  Peace and love!