I Am A Fraud

Corporate-Cyber-CrimeI haven’t written anything in over a month.  Part of the reason, I believe, was that I was going through a mild depression.  It didn’t last long, thankfully, and I believe the major cause of it (other than just normal work-related stress) was due to the ungodly cold weather we experienced.  Records low temps and major ice and snow storms for weeks on end don’t make for a very happy environment.

But now that is all over with.  I am literally “seeing the light”  once again (I mean, damn – it was 45 degrees here the other day!  A heatwave!).  The grey winter skies and my blues have passed.  But I still cannot bring myself to pick up the pen.  I just sat down a little while ago and went over notes, ideas and various writing prompts I saved on Evernote just for this very reason, but I can’t seem to get those creative juices flowing.

The sad part is, I am beginning now to doubt myself.  Can I really do this?  And more importantly, do I have any business doing this at all?  Am I just pretending to be a writer?  Who says I can write anything anyone would be interested in anyway?

One of my favorite authors once said “Self doubt is a death sentence to creativity”.  So yeah.  There’s that.

Writing a book and having it published has been a lifelong dream of mine.  I have written in one form or another most of my life.  I am beginning to wonder if I was depressed because I wasn’t writing, instead of the other way around.  I’ve always become a little grumpy in the past if I didn’t take time out for some sort of creative outlet.

Do I need to tie myself down to my desk and force myself to write even if I don’t feel like anything good will come of it, or am I just a poser pretending to be a writer?  I wish there was some type of self-help book for this (pun intended)!

Currently Listening To:

Ed Sheeran “Perfect”

 

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I Know I Need to Kill Him, But…

This time last year I was struggling with the idea of killing off one of the main characters in the book I am writing.  Way back in the early planning stages, I knew this character would die.  He had to.  A huge chunk of the storyline could not happen if he didn’t meet his Maker.

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But somewhere between the initial creation of this character and my molding him into a perfectly flawed but still loveable goon, the worst happened.

I fell in love.

Yup.  You read that right.

It happens a lot to me.  One minute I am frantically writing down character traits, giving birth to personalities and creating backstories.  The next minute I am looking at this wondrous human being I have produced out  of thin air and thinking “How you doin’?” (Heavy “Friends” tv show reference, if you don’t get that last line.)

 

I love the underdog, the loser, the bad boy.  I will go to the pound and fall head over heels for the mangiest mutt they have.  I will root for the team that has no chance in hell of ever winning a championship.  Because I know, no matter how bleak it may seem, there’s a story there that will melt your heart and lift your spirits.  A down-on-his-luck rogue who will make you think you’re the most beautiful woman in the world.  A puppy that was abused by its last family but now showers you with unconditional love.  A hockey team full of misfits that have more heart and perseverance than any other team out there.

 

 

These are my people.  These are the characters who speak to me when I sit at my desk with my pen and notebook.  I give them life.  I give them a voice.  They give me hope.  I love these characters the best.  They make me want to share their stories.

So this time last year, I was sick with worry.  I knew I had to kill this amazing man who I felt such a connection to but I  just couldn’t bring myself to do it.  Yes, his life was filled with one bad decision after another.  Morality was not in his vocabulary.  He had seen and done some unspeakable things.  But in his defense, I recognized that all of this could be attributed to a terrible childhood.  And he tried to do the right thing.  Sometimes.  And he loved the heroine of my story.  My God, they were so perfect together and <sigh> those romantic things he said to her when no one was around…and if you only knew how truly sweet and loving this tough guy could be when he wanted to and…

I kept him alive for just a little longer than I initially planned.  But now the time has come.  He has come to the edge of the cliff and I need to shove him off.  There is no turning back.  I tell myself “Just do it fast.  It won’t hurt all that much and you’ll feel relieved once it’s finally over with and you can finally move on.”  Once I kill him off, I can take the story to where I originally intended it to go.  As long as he remains alive, none of what I planned out makes any sense and the entire project is going to take even longer than it already has.  Which, at the moment, feels like forever.

Time to rip off that band-aid.  Wish me luck!

Love and Peace!

Currently Listening To:

Halsey and G Easy – Him and I

Taylor Swift – New Year’s Day

Chris Stapleton – Nothing Compares to You

 

 

Friday…

…my favorite “F” word!

Happy Weekend, everyone.  Hope you all had a great week!

I am relaxing in my favorite chair, listening to some tunes and jotting down some notes for the novel.  Looking forward to being outside this weekend in the fresh air (the weatherman is calling for a lot less humidity for a change!) and getting some much-needed yard work done.

Since I am feeling better, and the weather is going to be nicer, I decided that it was a good time to work out back a bit while I have the energy.  Maybe when I am done I’ll even take the laptop outside and get a few chapters done, who knows!

I hope you all enjoy your weekend.  Do what makes you happy!

Peace and love!

Currently listening to:

Jason Aldean Fly Over States

Tom Petty with Stevie Nicks Insider

The Rolling Stones Happy

Balance

So after running myself ragged between work, home life, committing myself to a million different writing projects at once, and everything in between…something gave.  I found myself severely run down and ill.  Again.

I knew I was pushing myself, yet I’d stay up late every night, trying to finisBalanceh a chapter, or furiously jotting down a new idea.  Sometimes I’d start to do research on a locale for a new story idea after dinner, and then next thing I knew it was 1 AM!  Something had to give, and that something, unfortunately, was me.

So I decided to take the summer off from my adding any new chapters of Canaan’s Promise.  I’m not anywhere near finished with Canaan and Riley’s saga.  Far from it.  I have a draft of the next chapter and outlines of a few more that follow.  But I have made the decision to just put that project on the backburner for the summer.  Same go

es with any of the fanfic I was dabbling in, as well as the two other unnamed projects I was writing.

I will devote this summer to my novel, which is in the editing stages (yet again, after a change in the storyline for one of the characters).  Hopefully, if all goes well, I will be done with it and have it up on Amazon September-ish.

 

Summer is my busy season at my job.  When there is overtime being offered, I’d be a fool to turn that down.  Such is the life of a poor, struggling writer!  I could see I would just be spreading myself out too thin if I continued at the pace I was working at.  Someday, hopefully, I can cut back on my real job instead of my writing job when time becomes scarce.

Until then, Canaan’s Promise is on temporary hiatus until the Fall.  I’ll still be blogging here, though, while I work on the novel.

Happy Summer!  Peace and love!